


Eleven

by Resistance



Category: NASCAR RPF
Genre: Gen, I think that's all of them - Freeform, It's all set in the same world as my other stuff, M/M, Took out Jason's tag because of issues with another fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-14
Updated: 2017-05-14
Packaged: 2018-10-31 12:24:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 21,816
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10899303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Resistance/pseuds/Resistance
Summary: Denny tells his story in a series of flashbacks.





	Eleven

**Author's Note:**

> You might need to read my other NASCAR fics to understand all the references in here, but it's not completely necessary.

I really was one of those kids that wrote an essay at ten years old talking about how I wanted to be a race car driver. I thought that was all I wanted out of life and I focused everything on it. I can’t say that if I went back in time, I would actually change anything I did because at the time I thought I was right, but I wish I could because the regrets I carry with me really slow my car down some days.

**_October 9, 2005:_ _Kansas_ **

_I stood in the garage looking at the car trying very hard not to look like the big huge rookie that I felt like. I didn’t want to touch it, which seems idiotic now, but then there was the nagging feeling that someone was going to change their mind if I did the wrong thing even once. I wasn’t some kid, but even at twenty-five, it was hard to remember that I was supposed to be there. A dream come true, like they always say in those interviews. But it was true. I had written about this day when I was in grade school and here it was coming true._

_“Fine looking thing, isn’t she?” A voice scared the everloving shit out of me and though I don’t want to admit it, Jason tells me I squeaked._

_I whipped around and lost my damn mind. Jason smirk is nothing to be toyed with, but I didn’t know that at the time. I should have been able to speak, I was a reasonably intelligent human being, and Jason was about half my height, but his smirk left me breathless as well as speechless. I didn’t know him at the time. I mean, if I had heard his name before I saw his face, I would have placed it, but I didn’t. And I was more than a little distracted that particular day._

_“Uh…” Brilliant, Hamlin._

_“Nothing like your first one.” He was still smirking and I still hadn’t said any complete words. “Enjoy it, kid.” He patted my shoulder and started to turn away. Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like now if I had just let him walk away that day. But I didn’t._

_“Denny,” I managed to croak out._

_He turned back to look at me, “What?”_

_“My name is Denny. Nice to meet you.” I held my hand out and was proud that I had not only made sense but I had made sense politely. My mother would be so proud. Kasey, on the other hand, might not have been._

_I had met Kasey early in the season and he had knocked my socks off, in more ways than one. We weren’t dating, per se, but we spent enough time together to give people that impression on their own. But looking at this guy with his smirk, I wasn’t thinking about Kasey probably as much as I should have been. Little did I know, Jason and Kasey were good friends and he was fully aware of exactly how much I should have been thinking about Kasey. And he didn’t care._

_Jason wrinkled his nose at me, “Denny?” He repeated, “Is that really your name?” He took my hand firmly, not shaking it as much as just holding it. “Are you sure?”_

_I laughed a little, I couldn’t help it, “Yeah, I’m sure.”_

_He shook his head, “Where’s your license?” He still hadn’t released my hand and I wasn’t in any rush to make him. I liked the feel of his hand around mine._

_“Uh… in my motor coach?” I replied. I couldn’t help making it sound like a question because I wasn’t sure he really wanted an answer. To meet his eyes, I was looking down at him, but he commanded the whole damn room in a way that made me feel like I was the one that was five-foot-something._

_“Show me.” He demanded, “I don’t think your name is really Denny. You don’t look like a Denny.” He tugged on my hand, pulling me towards the door._

_“Uh, I can’t go back there right now, but I promise you my name is Denny. Dennis actually.  Uh, James Dennis Hamlin.” My head was spinning. Was this a real conversation I was having?_

_“Ha! I was right. You aren’t a Denny at all.” He stepped closer to me, and I felt myself subconsciously hunching down, “James. Mmhmm, that’s your name alright. That fits you much better. Denny is all night breakfast. James is… someone worthy of that car.”_

_It was my first Cup series start and I was out of my mind nervous, which is the excuse I hold up for not knowing who he was when he snuck up on me in a dim early morning garage. But in that moment, the tone of his voice, the look in his eyes when he glanced at the 11, I finally figured it out. And I felt like an idiot._

_“Thank you.” I managed to get out, hoping that I didn’t look as guilty as I felt._

_“Jason. And you’re welcome. We’ve raced each other before. Yesterday, as a matter of fact.” His smirk came back. Damn, I was a complete idiot. Not one Cup race and already I had made a fool of myself._

_“Yeah… Uh, pretty good race. I can’t complain about going from 31 st to 12th much. Except to Kasey, I mean, I can complain at him all I want ‘cause he, y’know, won. He did pretty good though, I mean he earned it. Y’know, raced hard and all that stuff.” I was rambling and I couldn’t stop. Thankfully, he stepped in. _

_“Yeah, I was there.” His tone was bone dry._

_I was sure I was blushing, “Right, yeah. I should just… uh, shut up.” I laughed a little, because if I couldn’t laugh at putting my own foot in my mouth, then who could._

_“Hey, James, don’t be nervous. You’re good. You’ll be fine.” He assured me, with such open honesty that I actually believed him. Apart from the fact that him calling me a name that no one had ever used sent little jolts of electricity to places they really shouldn’t be going, I liked the way he talked to me._

_“Thanks, Jason. I appreciate that.” It was hard to keep looking at him and not blush so I took that opportunity to look back at my car. The car that had been his a few months back. This wasn’t the least bit awkward. Not at all._

_“Good luck. I’ll be rooting for you.” He gave me an honest smile before he turned and walked out of the garage. I watched him go, but I didn’t stop him. I needed to be able to breathe a little before the race began._

I was in his bed by the end of the week. I try not to think back too hard on that time because it makes me want to smack my own self upside the head. Jason took one look at me the day I took over what should have been his ride and decided that if he couldn’t conquer the car, he would conquer me. Or maybe he didn’t think that, but it sure seemed like it.

I can’t believe I managed to sit still in the car those months following that because Jason had me every which way, in every area he could find any slice of privacy, and in some areas that didn’t even have that luxury. And he enjoyed it. He took out bad races on me and celebrated good races with me too. When he wasn’t touching me, I wanted him to be, and when he was, I could barely breathe. If I had ever been worried about being outed, it should have been back then, but I didn’t care. Jason’s attention was utterly worth it.

I wouldn’t have said then that I was dating Jason, but I was doing whatever the next closest thing was, which should have meant that I didn’t meet up with Kasey on the side, but what I should have done and what I actually did far too frequently didn’t match up. I was completely honest with both Kasey and Jason the whole time. I even used to talk to Kasey about Jason and how frustrated I was with him bouncing between series and owners and cars. Somehow, Kasey never came up when I was with Jason. Not that I knew it, but Jason and Kasey used to talk about me behind my back, too. I don’t know if Kasey was sleeping with anyone else at the time, I never asked him because he never asked me. I hope he was, but knowing him as well as I do, I doubt it. I’m reasonably sure that if he was, it wasn’t Jason.

Jason had married Alison long before I met him, but she didn’t seem to care much about his career and spent as little time around me as possible so sometimes I forgot she even existed. Until Jason told me he was going to have a child. I tried to help her, do what I could for her, but she didn’t want anything from me. Well, except the gifts I sent. She didn’t hate me enough for them to get returned. I was worried back then about what I would be to that baby, but Jason never wavered. He demanded I come with him to the hospital when she went into labor and placed the little bundle in my arms after he remembered I was in the room and took take his eyes off Charlie Dean’s.

Charlie changed Jason for the better. His whole world revolved around him from the minute he came into the world. It was impossible not to fall head over heels in love with that. I fell in love with Charlie and Jason at the same time. I told myself not to go too deep too fast, but that was ridiculous. I had already been there for a while, but after Charlie was born was the first time I told him out loud. I tried to make myself look as unavailable to other people as possible, but that didn’t really work out well for me.

**_August 21, 2007:_ _Michigan_ **

_It was nearly impossible to keep my head in the race. Charlie had been born on Friday and we’d flown out to Michigan on Saturday morning to race that afternoon. Jason and I both drove the Busch series race that day and if you offered me millions of dollars in cash, I couldn’t tell you how I won that thing. All I could think about was my baby back in North Carolina. I wanted to be with him and Jason. There hadn’t even been enough time to get a picture to put in my car, though that would probably have distracted me into crashing. I am pretty sure I didn’t mention him when I was interviewed after, but he was all I was thinking about in Victory Lane._

_After the race, Jason flew back home, but I stayed to race the Cup race the following day. I joked with him that he was picking Charlie over me and he didn’t so much as blink. Yes, he was and I would do the same. He was right, of course, and I fully admitted it. It was the first time I would have rather been home than at a race. I missed my son._

_And then it rained. And rained. And rained. Two extra days we had to hang around Michigan with nothing to do but wait. When the Sunday race was called, I thought about flying home and flying back on Monday, but flights weren’t easy coming and I wasn’t good enough to have a private plane at my disposal back then. Jason emailed and texted me dozens of pictures though. They weren’t the best quality, but there were a lot of them, and that helped._

_I probably shouldn’t say that I spent most of Monday with Kasey, but I did. Every time my phone made noise or I checked my email, I felt a pang of guilt. Jason had never said a word about being exclusive or dating or anything like that, but he used the word ‘our’ all over those emails and I signed mine ‘Love, James’. All of that should have been a strong enough clue that I shouldn’t have another man in my bed while he was home. But, I did._

_By Tuesday morning, I could barely stand to be in my own skin, so I headed to the garage much earlier than I expected anyone to be there. I needed time alone with my guilt and my thoughts and my car. It gave me time to hide pictures of Charlie in there, in private. But of course, nothing went exactly like I wanted it to, especially when I wanted some quality alone time with the 11._

_“So… we’re going to be teammates...” I swear I didn’t squeak that time, but that’s probably not true. People really shouldn’t sneak up behind me._

_I turned around, not bothering to hide the fact that I didn’t want to be interrupted, especially by someone that announced something like he had mid-season, just to take attention away from the races and put it on himself. Okay, maybe that wasn’t why but I didn’t like him and I didn’t want to like him. Even his own brother didn't like him, how was anyone else supposed to?_

_“Sorry to scare you,” He even actually looked sorry, “But since we’re going to be teammates, I wanted to stop by…”_

_“Yeah?” I replied, monotone._

_Kyle Busch stepped further into the garage. He was probably used to people not being overly friendly with him, which said a lot about how his season and his reputation was going. “I’m really looking forward to working with you.”_

_A lot of replies passed through my mind. ‘I’m not’ and ‘You’re a distraction’ and ‘We don’t need you’ and a few other even less friendly things were all filed away for when I was going to need them next season. Instead, I simply said, “Okay.” I wasn’t going to lie to the guy and tell him I was too. That was just setting him up for failure._

_He sighed heavily, “Can we talk for a few minutes? I need to explain something to someone over here and I think you’re probably the most reasonable.” He gestured to a couple of chairs off to the side._

_I wished I had some reason to turn him down, but I couldn’t think fast enough and part of me was curious about what exactly he had to say that I needed to be reasonable to hear. I was also amused that I was the reasonable one, but when you’re on a team with Smoke, you get used to people thinking that. No one was going to go to Tony to explain anything reasonably, including that he shouldn’t be making eyes at a rival team’s driver. But then again, who was I to talk? I gestured Kyle over to the chairs and took my seat._

_He took a seat and fiddled with the Velcro on the pocket of his shorts before he gathered what looked like enough courage to meet my eyes, “You didn’t race against Dale Earnhardt, and I didn’t either, but we both watched him do his thing. NASCAR needs a villain, they want someone for fans to hate, and if they don’t have someone, they’ll make it happen. I’m not a bad guy, Denny. I’m not who you see out there. That’s who they want me to be. And honestly, I enjoy playing the part. I’ve spent a lot of time talking to Junior about his father, you know, in the garage. He wasn’t a bad guy either, Dale Senior, I mean, but he played his role. I guess…. I just wanted you to know that.”_

_Well, shit. I didn’t want to like the guy, I didn’t want to see into his head or understand what he was doing. I didn’t want to give a damn about him. Dealing with Tony every day in the shop was enough, I didn’t want to deal with this guy, I wanted to pretend he didn’t exist. But he had a really good point. The fans did really enjoy hating Earnhardt and even I could see that they were starting to enjoy hating Kyle too. It made our sport exciting and we needed that. Not that this guy was anywhere near as good at it as Earnhardt, but he had a point._

_I sighed, but nodded, “Thanks for telling me. Makes a lotta sense, what you said. I’ll talk to the guys about it later. Maybe warn them a little.” I offered him a smile and pretended not to notice how his whole face lit up at that simple gesture._

_“Thank you, so much. I’ll leave you alone now. Good luck this afternoon.” He stood up, still smiling. He had a look on his face like he wanted me to stop him, but I didn’t want to._

_I just nodded, “You, too.” I patted his shoulder and then walked over to my car, hoping he’d take the cue that he could leave now._

_“We’ll make a good team.” Kyle offered, before he headed for the door. Under his breath, I overheard him add, “I hope.”_

Working with Kyle was exactly as awkward as that conversation had been. Small moments of clarity combined with long periods of uncomfortable flirting on his part and avoiding him when I could on my part. When I told Jason about it, he only laughed. For some reason, he was not threatened by Kyle in the least. Of course, he had no reason to be because I would not have slept with Kyle on a bet, but sometimes it bothered me that he wasn’t jealous at all. Then again, he threatened to punch Kasey twice that year, so I suppose lack of jealously wasn’t at fault with that situation with Kyle. He had no reason to be jealous of anyone, though, because by that point, my world revolved around him and our son.

I spent as much time as I could with Charlie on my hip while I worked. He was only a few months old the first time we brought him into the garage, but he never resisted the noise-cancelling headphones, so we took that as a sign that he was meant to be a track kid. Jason and I both had a lot of work to do and we just worked better with him around. Jason had switched from Chevy to Toyota the year before and I had worked some on the brand with his then-Busch series car. I liked working with him on the car and he wasn’t too proud to ask for my advice, despite the amount of years he’d been around more than I had. I always asked his advice on everything, which I know he liked. After we switched to Toyota, I had to do a lot of talking about how much I was looking forward to it, but it was such a bone of contention in the garage with Tony, I just didn’t care anymore. My new family was more important.

Charlie really changed everything, but most of all he changed Jason. He didn’t want to move around and work all night, he wanted to go home and be with our son. He wanted to wake up and make his breakfast. He wanted to take him to the track with us and he wanted to teach him. He wanted to be a dad the best way he knew how. And more than that, he wanted to be a family. And the family he was picturing didn’t include Alison. They didn’t make their divorce public and Jason never talked about it, so I’m not even sure exactly what year it happened, but slowly we saw less and less of her until we didn’t see her at all. She had fulfilled her purpose to him, she had given him a son, and so she was free to spend his money as she saw fit, as long as the baby stayed with us.

And I do mean _us_. Jason asked me to move in with him before the season began. He didn’t want to raise Charlie alone, he wanted to raise him with me. Of course, I accepted and most of the time, I was even a good boyfriend. Jason was worth turning Kasey down, I told myself. Our family was worth it. It felt better to go home to my son and my boyfriend than to have a fling with someone, even someone who looked like Kasey. I could keep him as my friend, of course, I just had to keep him out of my bed. Still, Jason didn’t demand it and he never asked about him.  I didn’t ask him about his side trips either, though I had an inkling who they were. But I tried to give him the respect that he deserved and just stay faithful. Fate helped me out with that at the end of the season.

**_November 2008:_ _Homestead_ **

_“You what?” I asked into the phone not for the first time._

_“I just need you to come pick me up.” Kasey repeated, with a heavy sigh._

_“Hold up. They arrested you?” I was sure this was some kind of joke or I was going to walk into the biggest trick on the planet. Maybe the connection was bad. Something other than what he was actually telling me had happened. Coming from someone like Tony, maybe, but not Kasey._

_He sighed again, for at least the tenth time in this ten minute conversation, “No, they didn’t arrest me, they just asked me some questions. I’m free to go. I just need you to pick me up. Can you handle that? I don’t want to call Kale, he’s going to lecture me. You’ll only mock me.”_

_He had a point there. His brother, Kale was good with cars, but not so good with people. “Alright, I’ll be there in twenty minutes or so. I think? How far away is it? Never mind, I’ll look it up. Just wait there. I’m on my way.”_

_“Thanks, Denny.” He managed to hang up without sighing, but if I knew Kasey, he made the sound the moment the phone was off._

_“What was that about?” Jason asked. He had been listening, the motor coach wasn’t big enough for phone call privacy, not that Jason had even attempted to give me any. One-and-a-half-year-old Charlie was cradled in his lap, and even he looked like he was interested in what I had been talking about. He had already mastered his father’s inquisitive look, the one that said you would answer him simply because he asked you._

_I didn’t give a thought to not answering or not telling him everything. Around Jason, the words just flowed, whether I wanted them to or not. I began to look for my sneakers, “Kasey is down at the police station. There was some incident and they took him in for questioning. He needs me to pick him up.”_

_“Lemme get this straight. Your fuckbuddy got arrested and you’re going to bail him out?” I was very relieved to hear that Jason’s tone was close to laughter rather than anger._

_I didn’t answer right away, my eyes still on tying my shoelaces. There wasn’t a right answer to that question. I couldn’t deny the title he had given him without lying and I couldn’t agree without admitting things I didn’t want to deal with. “He was your friend first. And he didn’t get arrested, they just questioned him.” I finally mumbled, still not looking at him._

_“Uh huh. I never slept with him, he’s your buddy.” He stood up and shifted Charlie to his hip. There was something impressive about how naturally and safely he could swing that kid around, and the trust that the little boy had in him. He simply rested his head against Jason’s shoulder and continued to watch me, but never did he fuss about how he was moved. Jason stepped closer to me until I found myself staring down at his socks. Jason never wore his shoes inside, which was a habit I found myself imitating without thinking about it. I started to stand up until I felt his hand on my shoulder, “Just wait a minute.”_

_He moved further down the hallway sized room until he could reach our bed. I watched him smooth the sheet and move the pillows closer to the edges of the bed to make a comfortable area for Charlie to play in. He worked quickly and efficiently, which was how Jason did just about everything, save what we usually did on that bed. He laid the baby on the bed and dropped a handful of Little Tykes cars in front of him. The happy baby squeak and quiet engine noises let him know it was safe to leave them there and rejoin me closer to the door._

_I hadn’t stood up and he sat beside me. He didn’t like to talk face to face standing up because I had nearly a foot on him. All of our best talking was done either curled up on the couch or curled up on the bed, but never standing up. He leaned back and I leaned into him, that was how we did things. His arm snaked around my shoulders and his hand slid into my hair. I let myself indulge for a minute because I wasn’t sure if I was going to get this treatment when I got back._

_“I don’t care, you know.” He said, though his tone completely disagreed with the words. “I don’t care about Kasey or Kyle or whoever. You don’t have to hide shit from me. You’re mine, James. They’re toys, they don’t matter to you. I matter. Our kid matters. Do whatever you want. You’re a fucking king around here, you can take anything you want. You come home to me. That’s what really matters.”_

_I wanted to curl further into his arms. He never talked about things like this, he never made declarations like that. We might have known them, but he never said them. I closed my eyes and let the words wash over me. I think I was smiling. “Yeah, that’s what matters. But I don’t want anyone else. Not Kasey and sure as hell not Kyle. I love you. Just you, Jase. Just you and our family and that’s it.”_

_He made a sound somewhere between a laugh and a scoff and pulled me closer. “Sure, if you say so.” He leaned in and kissed me, soft and slow and much more romantic than he had ever kissed me. I melted into him and quite possibly whimpered. It was a damn Disney movie kind of kiss and spoke volumes more than he had already said. And as if that wasn’t enough, he broke the kiss to whisper beside my ear, “I love you, too, you know.”_

_I had told him that I loved him almost a year and a half ago, and almost daily since then, but he’d never said the words back to me. I had convinced myself that I didn’t need to hear the words, but damn it, I did. I needed them and I wanted them and now… oh god, now he’d said them and nothing in the damn world was going to get me to leave that couch and that moment—not even Kasey. And Jason knew that. Damn him. He knew that would work. I wanted to get mad that he was manipulating me but I was so damn happy to hear him tell me he loved me, I didn’t care._

_I pulled my phone out of my pocket and searched through my contact lists, never moving out of his arms. I could feel the smirk on his lips, the sense of smug satisfaction, and to be honest, it was sexy as all hell. He wanted to win me and he had won me. It was probably twisted that I felt a sense of pride at that. I wanted him to win, but more than that I wanted him to want to win. He did care what I did, because he was willing to manipulate me into not doing it. I knew what he was doing, so I let him do it._

_“Hey Kale, it’s Denny… Hamlin. Kasey needs someone to go pick him up and I can’t get away right now, can you go get him?”_

I didn’t know it at the time, but that was the night Kasey met Eric for the first time. He was in and out of Kasey’s life for years after that. Things didn’t get really weird with them for another couple years, but it started that day. I wonder what would have happened between Kasey and I if I had gone to pick him up that day. Would Eric have played as big a part in our lives as he did? Probably. Eric is a lot like Jason, he gets what he wants and he doesn’t care what he has to do to get it. Or who got hurt in the process. I shouldn’t throw stones, though, I’m no better.

Jason got into three Cup races that season. Kasey won one, Kyle won one, and the other one was that disaster with bad tires at the Brickyard. He won nothing in the Nationwide series, despite running a full season. I wish I had known that his win in July the season before was going to be his actual last NASCAR win. He had put Toyota on the map that day and pissed off Greg Biffle so much that they had to fine the guy for things he said. Jason and I had celebrated, sure, but not enough. Not for what that race really was. But how could anyone know that kind of thing? I always thought Jason was good, he would win again. He didn’t though. Not in our league anyway. He never had a Cup series win, but I was sure he’d grab a couple more at the lower level. I never told him that though. I told Charlie, when I used to rock him to sleep. I’d tell him that his daddy would win soon, so he could go to Victory Lane on TV with him. But he never did.

That offseason was probably the best one we had together. Jason knew he had a ride the following season and we barely argued. My back was off and on and Jason actually took care of me when it was bad. By the end of the winter, I felt great and ready to go. I hadn’t spoken to Kasey since Christmas and that was only to exchange generic texts. I actually hadn’t seen much of anyone besides Jason and Charlie, which was just fine with me. We took a lot of pictures which later on turned out the best thing we could have done. Those pictures mean the world to me now. To me and to Charlie.

**_June 7, 2009:_ _Pocono_ **

_Normally this was my race, but not today. Any race where you’re the cause of a caution, it’s a bad race. Well, I was the cause of two cautions and on top of that, Jason was in Tennessee with the Nationwide race which really set my morning off on the wrong foot. I woke up to complete silence and I didn’t like it._

_Kyle had offered that I could fly with him to Nashville and back for the race today. Besides the fact that it was pretty ridiculous that he needed to run both races so bad that he was going to fly between them, I would have been exhausted when I got back. At the beginning of the weekend, I thought I was going to win this race, I didn’t want to be too tired for it. If I had known how it would end up, I might have taken him up on it. Then again, I probably still wouldn’t have because everything was already weird with him and it was just going to get weirder._

_Mike had asked me if I wanted to go over everything right away or tomorrow back home. The fact that he even asked me let me know that he fully expected me to tell him that I didn’t want to think about it tonight, but I had no one waiting for me back in my motor coach, so I took him up on talking it through tonight. He didn’t want to hear that answer, but he followed through. We had spent a while looking through everything, checking things we’d already checked and making pages and pages of notes. We had a lot to work on before Michigan, but we’d be ready. I was packing up my things when I realized that I wasn’t alone. Thankfully, I noticed him before he made me squeak._

_The kid had started with us last season, but he’d only run a handful of races. This season he was getting a lot of attention, but he seemed to enjoy that so more power to him. He wasn’t approaching me, more like watching from the side of the room, chewing on his lip. That wasn’t awkward or anything. But I was grateful he hadn’t snuck up on me, because I hated making that sound in front of people. In front of Jason was fine, but not in front of people._

_I guess I was going to have to talk first, “Hey, what’s up?”_

_He blushed. But to be fair to him, that kid blushed a lot, so I didn’t think it was my daring opening line that did it. “Uh, do you have a minute?”_

_A lot of thoughts went through my mind at that. He wasn’t asking confidently enough for it to be a come on. And he wasn’t asking forcefully enough for it to be anger. So, I had to reason it was probably racing related and since I had promised him earlier that he could ask me anything he wanted to know any time, I felt bad saying no. But I really wanted to say no. My back was sore and I wanted to lay down and call Jason. I sighed, but I turned to look at him, “Sure, I’ve got a few. I’m just about to head back, do you want to come with me?”_

_He glanced around, though I had no idea what he was looking for. I followed his line of vision and then looked back to him in time to see him blush even more. He was a weird kid. Lot of talent, that was obvious, but weird. Like he was always looking for something that he couldn’t find. I’m not exactly philosophical, but it turns out, I was right. He shrugged at me, “Sure.”_

_I slung my bag over my shoulder and lead him to the door. Once we were in a spot we could walk side-by-side, I glanced over to him. He was chewing his bottom lip again. “So…” I started, “What’s on your mind?”_

_“Well… um…. A couple things. If you don’t mind.” He wasn’t looking at me, and the look of concentration on his face made me wonder if he was really focusing that hard on walking down a paved walkway. If he chewed his lip any harder, he was going to bite through it._

_I tried my best not to look as annoyed as I felt, everyone is a rookie at one time or another. I was probably awkward and nervous back then too. I nearly laughed out loud at the thought. Of course, I was. And I probably would have tripped over my feet already had that been me. I was just lucky Jason picked me anyway. “Look, kid, I don’t mind. What’s up?” I repeated._

_“Joey. Not kid. I get enough of that, I’d rather not hear it here.” He was still blushing, but his tone was firm and I had to respect that._

_I smiled at him, “Yeah, yeah, that’s fair. Everyone hates that. Though I was twenty-five when I was a rookie, you’re what? Fifteen?” I laughed. He gave me a sharp cold look. “Sorry. Joey. What do you wanna talk about?” I let him into my motor coach and tossed my bag out of the way. It landed with a loud squeaking sound, which meant I just discovered when Charlie had thrown one of his toys or we had a hamster I didn’t know about. I grabbed my phone and Jason’s text was on the lock screen. ‘Wheels up’ meant I couldn’t call him until he got back home. Whenever we took Charlie with us, we always flew home. Driving home just took too long for him. “Sit, get comfortable. You want something to drink? I need a fucking drink.”_

_“Uh, sure. Whatever you’re having is fine.” He moved a pile of Matchbox cars to the table and took a seat on the couch. “Is your kid with, uh, with….?”_

_I was focused on pouring just about equal parts vodka and orange juice into two cups, so I didn’t turn to him, but I would have bet cash he was biting his lip again. “Charlie is with Jason, yeah. They’re in Nashville. Well, I guess it’s not really Nashville, but whatever that town is out there that they race in. That’s where Nationwide is this weekend.”_

_“Yeah, I know.” Joey nodded slowly and accepted the cup I offered him, but he didn’t drink from it. “I’ve been talking to this guy that races that series. He did a couple with us last season. I mean Sprint Cup races. He did some this season too, and—yeah, but he’s running a full season with them.”_

_I nodded, trying to look like I was interested, “Someone from our team?”_

_He shook his head, “Hendrick, actually. We just… He came up to me after a race, last year and he was pissed because I don’t know what I did, but whatever it was, he thought it was on purpose and he’s all getting in my face and…” He was blushing furiously at this point, but I didn’t stop him. He sounded like he needed someone to talk about this guy and I didn’t mind. “Well, I’ve been talking to him a lot. And he’s going to be racing New Hampshire with us and I… I just really want to win this one. I mean it’s as ‘home track’ as I get—I mean we have one in New England and that’s it, so everyone from New England gets that one. It’s really nowhere near my home, but that’s what they say, even if Watkins Glen or Dover are just as close to Connecticut as Loudon is and it was easier to go that way than go all the way up to New Hampshire. It might have been a little longer, but it’s just what we did. But they don’t want to hear that.” He paused and looked at me, a little horrified, “Uh, sorry. I’m rambling.”_

_I chuckled, sipping from my drink, “I don’t mind.” Maybe the vodka was already getting to me, but that was the truth, I didn’t mind listening to him. He kinda reminded me of myself when I first met Jason. “Go ahead. You were talking about some guy?”_

_He took a swing of his drink and coughed loudly, “Whoa.” He carefully placed the cup on a side table and wiped his mouth. His cheeks got pinker and he was blinking quite a bit._

_“Sorry,” I tried not to laugh, “I like my drinks strong.”_

_“Yeah… I didn’t realize it was a drink, drink. I’m good.” He glanced at the cup and then back to me, “But thanks.” I had forgotten that despite not wanting to be called ‘kid’, he really was a kid. Eighteen years old. I wasn’t supposed to contribute to the delinquency of a minor._

_I picked up his cup and put it on the counter near the sink. I wasn’t ready to dump it yet, I might need two of them today. “You want some orange juice, straight up?” I laughed._

_He shook his head, “I’m good, thanks. Well, maybe some water?” I tossed him a bottle. “Thanks. So yeah, I was talking about a guy. We can keep this between you and me, right? It’s not anything and I don’t want to become gossip around here and that stuff spreads fast. After Kyle hit on me, the crew guys were giving me shit about it for weeks—guys that weren’t anywhere near the garage when it happened!”_

_I rolled my eyes, “Yeah, no problem. Kyle hit on you, huh?”_

_Joey sigh and took a long drink from his bottle, “Yeah. I guess it could have been friendly, but… I might be kinda young, but I’m not an idiot. He was…. He was trying something and I was not interested. He—” He stopped short and his eyes got wide, “Shit. Are you… I mean I know you’re like friends, but are you like a thing? Shit. Did I just step into something?”_

_I couldn’t help but snort, “No. We’re not a thing. He hits on me all the time and I’m not interested either. I don’t tell my boyfriend about it because he’d punch the shit out of Kyle and I don’t want to deal with that fallout, so I recommend if this guy you’re talking about is heading that way, don’t tell him either.” That might not have been exactly true, but I liked to brag about Jason getting jealous and it wasn’t like Joey was going to fact-check me._

_“He’s not my boyfriend. We just… talk.” Joey drained the water bottle instead of looking at me._

_“But you want him to be. Do you want to win New Hampshire to impress him or beat him or because it’s your home track?” I could feel the vodka starting to settle in and I leaned back in my seat._

_“Well… yes. To all of that. I want I win because I want to win, but I wouldn’t mind impressing him and people from home. My parents said a lotta people from Middletown are going to be there, like people I don’t even know. I moved out of there when I was ten, to race, but I’m not supposed to say that. NASCAR wants me to be from Connecticut and I don’t mind it.”_

_“That’d be like me saying I’m from Florida. I don’t even remember living in Florida, but my birth certificate says I did. Why not say you’re from whatever you moved to?” I asked._

_“Georgia. Because that’s not me. I’m not southern, really. My parents moved back to Connecticut after I left home, I guess that’s where I want to be from.” He tossed the empty water bottle back and forth between his hands, “I don’t mind it and NASCAR likes that I’m not from somewhere that a million other people are from. I guess New Englanders are supposed to get into NASCAR because I’m from there. It might be cool if they did.” He shrugged._

_“And maybe they will... Sliced Bread.” I couldn’t help the snicker. Everyone got stupid nicknames, but I don’t think I’ve heard one that bad in a long time. The kid was pale enough to be a loaf of white bread but still, it was an idiotic nickname, no matter how complimentary it was supposed to be._

_Joey groaned, “Don’t. Please for the love of God, don’t. It’s so embarrassing! I know everyone gets one and I know nicknames are supposed to be stupid, but I don’t think it gets worse than that one. And they want me to use it! They want to market that stupid thing!” He ran a hand over his head, probably trying to calm down how pink his cheeks were. It didn’t work._

_“Poor you. I don’t have a nickname. Other than ‘Denny’, which I don’t think that counts.” I’d actually had a lot of people point out that I had never been given a stupid nickname and that I probably needed one. I had been on a team for a while with a guy that probably had the coolest nickname since ‘The Intimidator’ and I was dating a guy that managed to get a pretty good one that played off his last name. I didn’t want to try to hold a candle to that. Especially if they were going to try to make a pun on my name. One comment about breakfast and someone was going to get punched._

_Joey scoffed, “That doesn’t count! You can have mine. I don’t mind.”_

_“I’ll pass. My Jason’s got a pretty good one, he fills the quota for this family. How about your boy? Does he have one?” I thought at the time that I was being really subtle. He hadn’t mentioned who this guy was and even if I knew I shouldn’t ask because he didn’t tell me on purpose, I couldn’t want to talk to Jason about who the guy was and what he thought of him. Jason knew everyone he was racing against, he’d know the guy._

_Joey quirked a smile, “He’s not really my boy. We just…. It’s complicated.” He looked down at his empty water bottle and the look on his face made me wonder if he was wishing he’d held on to the screwdriver I’d offered him earlier._

_“Right. You don’t want to go the Facebook status route. If you don’t tell me who the guy is I’m gonna have my boyfriend go find out and trust me when I tell you he is not subtle.” I held back my laugh as best I could._

_His eyes went wide, “No. Really, you don’t need to do that. He’s not even—he’s not—I don’t know if—He drives a Chevy.” I watched him toss the empty water bottle away at the same time he grabbed the cup on the counter. He braced himself and took a long sip. I tried even harder not to laugh, but he managed to keep it down. I didn’t want to have to deal with a drunk kid, so I hoped his tolerance was higher than it looked._

_“I drove a Chevy once. It’s not so bad. At least he’s not driving a Dodge.” I rolled my eyes. Joey might not get the joke, but I did and Jason would when I told him this story. And I couldn’t wait to tell him this story. Not telling anyone didn’t apply to him, he was an extension of my own brain._

_“Uh… yeah, but I just mean… you probably wouldn’t even know him.” I could tell by the tone of his voice that he was lying and that made me all the more curious as to who the guy was. He shook his head, “Look, I didn’t come here to talk about him, I just wanted to know if you would help me with New Hampshire. We have a bunch of weeks, so maybe you could find some time. That’s all I’m asking you. Can you do that?”_

_I was glad to see him assert himself. He was cool with the press, but it would help him in the long run if he was comfortable enough to be cool with us too, “Yeah, I’ll help you. I don’t mind helping you for any of these races. Sonoma is a bitch and a half. Have you done a road course yet?” He shook his head and I kept talking, “I can help you with that too. Don’t even worry about asking, we don’t mind.”_

_He had started chewing on his lip again, “I don’t want to ask Kyle.”_

_I snorted a laugh, “He’s harmless. He can be a real jackass sometimes, especially on the track, but he’s not that bad of a guy. He’s just playing a part, what he thinks he’s supposed to be doing.” I shrugged, “Fans like to hate him, so I guess it’s working out for him.”_

_Joey shook his head, “I don’t mind that. But he doesn’t like me for some other reason. I didn’t do anything to him. I mean I turned him down, but I figure a lotta guys turn him down, so that can’t be it.”_

_I laughed out loud, “Harsh. True, but harsh. Look, you’ve gotta see what you represent to him. You’re younger and better, the press is noticing. He was the youngest to blah, blah, blah, but now you are. And you’re good. You came into his garage and showed him up by racing your way and doing it better than him. Don’t worry about it, though. You’re doing what you’re supposed to. Keep doing it. You’re fine.”_

_It was his turn to laugh, “You sound like my spotter.”_

_“Shut up, Bread.”_

_He laughed out loud and I caught myself watching him do it. I was coming up on thirty soon and this kid wasn’t even legal enough to drink. His cheeks were still pink, whether from the vodka or the thoughts in his head, it didn’t matter. A couple years back, I probably would have had him in bed before we left Pennsylvania, but today, the thought didn’t occur to me. More than that, I wanted to help him with this guy he was stammering over. Everyone should have someone that made them blush, I thought. At the time, I didn’t know how important it was to grab ahold of that as soon as you could._

_I got up to refill my cup, “You want more? You even finished what I gave you?”_

_He shook his head, “I’m not really a drinker.”_

_I shrugged, “Me either, I guess. That’s what Jason tells me. I don’t drink anything straight up. Honestly, when we go out, I actually like mixed drinks. He says that means I’m supposed to turn in my man card, but whatever. I don’t need to drink furniture polish to prove my manhood.” I took my seat again once I’d made myself a new drink, this one with much less vodka than the first. “So… you gonna tell me about this guy of your own free will or do I need to force the alcohol on you?”_

I’m not honestly sure when they officially said they were together, but I remember when Joey went over to Penske years later, there were all kind of articles and talking points about how no one thought two ‘alpha’ drivers could stand being in a shop together. I didn’t want to think about what that meant they thought of me, but the idea that Brad and Joey wouldn’t work together anything less than perfectly was idiotic to anyone that knew them. They were the couple that everyone else aspired to be, a damn near mind-meld kind of closeness. I never saw them fight, but I’m sure they did. All couples do.

Jason and I were no exception to that rule. A year had passed and he had settled in to a comfortable routine in the Nationwide series. We traveled together and worked together. Charlie loved it. Jason ran a few Cup races, but not many. It was frustrating to me to have this eighteen-year-old kid on my team, when my much more experienced boyfriend couldn’t crack anyone’s stable. Sometimes, I let that frustration loose. Of course, I regret it now, but back then I thought that pushing him to be better was good for him. He would get angry and we would fight. He’d sleep on the couch and I’d wake up with my toddler in bed with me instead of my boyfriend. After some spectacular fights, he’d leave and I wouldn’t see him again until we got to the garage. I never asked where he went or what he did. I think I didn’t want to know.  

Teams and owners and sponsors and all of that are complicated and full of politics. I don’t claim to understand it. But what I do know was that before that July Daytona they thought it was a great idea to announce that Jason and Kasey would be sharing a Nationwide car next year. They had once been good friends, but at that point, I honestly cannot think of two people that should not have been in the same state, no matter working in the same garage. Both Great Clips and Todd Braun didn’t know it, but they hadn’t been buddies for many years. They couldn’t exactly explain the cause to the public. Thankfully, Kasey only ran eight races in that series that year, and Jason switched over to the 10 for those, but they still had to communicate and it was awkward and uncomfortable and I made sure I was there every time the talked, just in case. Kasey would never use violence, but I couldn’t be sure the same thing was true for Jason. Thankfully, Kasey was utterly distracted that season and it wasn’t by me.

**_October 3, 2010:_ _Kansas_ **

_“….and it totally sucked, but still… I mean you did get the pole. So, that’s like… something.” Chase Elliott was sitting on a stepladder, leaning on two stacked tires. He was trying his best to look as casual as possible, and was failing in a way only a fifteen-year-old could. He couldn’t have looked more awkward and uncomfortable if he tried, but I knew it wasn’t fair to point that out to him._

_To his credit, Kasey was leaning against his car, nodding, not looking as annoyed as he was probably feeling. At least, I hope he was feeling annoyed at the time. Anything else would have been weird. We had no idea how weird, but time would tell on that one. He nodded, “Yeah, I guess so. This hasn’t been the best season for me.” Kasey shrugged, doing fake casual much better than the teenager._

_Chase signed deeply, “Yeah, like after the Duels in February, I was so sure this was gonna, like, be your season and everything, but then, y’know… Daytona really sucks. Like a lot. And you almost had the July one, like so damn close. But yeah, Michigan, too, if not for Hamlin. Anyway. You’re doing, like, pretty good, y’know, with the 9.”_

_The kid was stammering and utterly abusing the word ‘like’ and it took all my self-control not to laugh out loud, I don’t know how Kasey kept a straight face with all that teenage exuberance aimed at him. I was leaning against the doorway, within Kasey’s light of sight, but he kept his eyes on the kid. Part of me wanted to watch him be tortured by the fanboy and part of me wanted to be a good friend and save him. The nice guy side won out._

_“You’re really following your dad’s old car closely, huh, kid?” I asked, stepping closer to them._

_Chase turned around towards me so fast he nearly fell off the stepladder. His cheeks were bright pink, but his eyes were narrowed and his expression annoyed. “Yeah, so? He drove it for a long time, why shouldn’t I follow it? I mean he drove the 11, too, but I wanted to follow a good driver.”_

_Kasey choked on his laugh and I held my hands up in surrender. “Okay, okay. Hey, you picked a good driver to follow, I’m not gonna argue that. I heard you’re making some kind of name for yourself behind the wheel.”_

_Chase’s ruffled feathers seemed to smooth a little at that, “Yeah, pretty good. There’s not a lotta really good competition, so I guess it’s not that impressive, but I’ve been doin’ pretty good, I guess.”_

_Taking that as a good sign that I wasn’t going to get anything heavy thrown at me, I moved closer into the room. I briefly locked eyes with Kasey but turned to speak to Chase, “The way Junior talks, you’re next in line for that Sliced Bread title.”_

_He quirked a little smile, “He does? That’s cool. Yeah, I’ll be driving up here with you guys two or three years. Y’know, if you know anyone needs a driver, I’m gonna be lookin’ in about a year. Maybe Trucks to start, I dunno.”_

_“I’ll keep that in mind. But your, uh, brother is probably the best one to help you with that.” It wasn’t funny to think about guys I race against having boyfriends and kids together, but old guys with grown kids? That was weird. But Dale didn’t shy away from it and it seemed like this kid wouldn’t either. I wanted the same thing for Charlie one day, so the least I could do was give it to Chase now._

_Chase nodded, “Yeah, he’s already working on it. But it doesn’t hurt to have options.” He flashed me what he wanted to think was a confident smirk and then turned to Kasey, “I’ll catch you around, okay?”_

_Kasey nodded, and we both watched Chase walk out of the garage, silently. Once the door closed, I couldn’t help the laugh. I took over the stepladder where Chase had been sitting, and imitated Chase’s faux casual pose. “Can I sign up to join your fan club, too?” I snickered._

_“Shut up, Hamlin.” Kasey threw a wad of paper at me, but it didn’t quite make the distance. “He’s a good kid and he asks really good questions. He’s not here every race, so I really don’t mind him coming around to ask about the race stuff.”_

_“Will you answer my questions if I bat my eyelashes at you?” I tried and failed not to laugh, “You really shouldn’t encourage the crush, it’s embarrassing for him. Especially if he does drive with us, he’ll never live that down.”_

_Kasey shrugged, “I don’t mind it. He hasn’t actually tried to ask me out. And Junior is going to get him a development deal, so it’s not as if we’ll be driving together anytime soon. I just have to keep him and Eric apart, that’s all. It’s not as if—but Eric is weird about that kind of thing. And Chase is even weirder.”_

_“What do you mean he’s weirder?” I sat up. Gossip is fun. Especially gossip from outside our racing world. Kasey was one of the few that stepped outside our world, into that of country music, when he started up with Eric Church._

_“Oh, he’s crazy about Eric’s music. I was playing his music around the shop and he came in and got so excited that I knew who he is.” Kasey laughed with a roll of his eyes, “Yeah, I know who he is a little. So, I told him about Eric’s new music and let him listen before stuff was released, and yeah, I think that’s what started maybe some of that weird stuff.”_

_I was laughing again, “Aww, you share a taste in music. That’s so cute. Did you share a pair of earbuds?” Kasey rolled his eyes and threw a piece of foam at me. This one had a little more weight than the paper and hit my shoulder, making me laugh all the more._

_“He’s a fifteen-year-old kid! Don’t be sick. And besides, Bill…” Kasey shrugged it off, turning back to a spread of papers he was collecting up, the last thing he said still hanging in the air._

_“Waaaaaait a minute!” I jumped to my feet, moving over to his side in three long strides. “You and Bill?” He was ignoring me in favor of the papers in his hand, putting them in some order that made sense only to himself. I grabbed for them, “Forget about those papers, Kahne! You fucked Bill Elliott?”_

_He glanced to me, out of the corner of his eye, and took his papers back, fitting them all into file folders. “That’s not any of your business.” He flashed me a smirk, creepily reminiscent of the smirk that Chase had just had before he left._

_“The hell it’s not! You know who I’ve slept with!” Which wasn’t completely true. He knew the important ones anyway. He was one of the important ones, if I really thought about it. I wasn’t sleeping with him anymore, but sometimes standing close to him still got my engines a little revved._

_He scoffed, “Do I? You’ve been spending a lot of time with that kid, Logano…”_

_My eyes went wide, “Joey?! He’s eighteen! I’d just as soon sleep with your fanboy! He’s a child. That’s disgusting. And because I know you’re going to ask, I’m not sleeping with Kyle either. Just Jason. You know that.”_

_Kasey shook his head, “Have you ever slept with Kyle?”_

_“No. Never.” I insisted._

_He laughed a little, “That’s not what he says.” He gestured that I follow him further into the garage, which I did. He began to organize some sort of file system. It was better to talk to Kasey while he was busy with something else. I knew that from experience. He didn’t like to make eye contact while he was talking._

_I perched on a short stack of tires, “What does he say?”_

_Kasey kept his voice casual, but he had a smile fighting on his lips, so I knew he was enjoying himself, “That you’re a good lay.” He glanced up at me and then back to his papers, “I agreed with him.”_

_I groaned loudly, “You’re shitting me. Tell me you’re making that up.” But I knew he wasn’t. I really hadn’t slept with Kyle, but I wasn’t even a little surprised that he implied that I hadn’t turned him down repeatedly. I also wasn’t surprised that Kasey let him know that he’d been there first. I should probably have been insulted or bothered by this, but I was amused as all hell. I just had to make a mental note to prepare Jason for that rumor to make its way to him. I grinned at Kasey, “Well, thanks for the compliment.”_

_He snickered, “You’re welcome. Speaking of which, Eric really wants to punch you.”_

_I rolled my eyes. When didn’t Eric want to punch me? “What did I do this time?” Thankfully, he hadn’t done it yet, because owing to his music and his attitude, Eric was a bit of a brawler and I really wasn’t. I would lose the fight and that would be embarrassing. Depending on why I was getting punched, that could even mean Jason would try to defend me. That would be even worse. Jason was tough and strong, but over a foot shorter than Eric._

_Kasey shrugged, tossing papers down with a heavy sigh. “It’s the same thing it always is, Denny. I’m exhausted, honestly. He couldn’t come to the race this weekend because Jason has a concert. When I got the pole, Keeley called me to congratulate me. Eric didn’t. She’s seven, and she couldn’t be more his kid if he actually gave DNA to her, you know how that is. He called me before the race, because Jason was busy setting up for his show.” He leaned back against the wall and looked over to me, “I just need him to be here now and he’s not. I know what you’re going to say. I knew what I was getting into. You’d be right, but I just couldn’t…. say no.”_

_I’m not such an asshole that I would say ‘I told you so’ in that moment, but I really wanted to. I told Kasey that Eric was an asshole and he was going to end up getting hurt about this. Eric hadn’t told Kasey that he was in a relationship with another singer when they met and by the time he found out, they had already slept together and Kasey was in deep. I had moved in with Jason and stopped sleeping with Kasey by that point, which I think made him even more vulnerable to the jackass, though I wouldn’t tell him that either._

_He always made a point to call my boyfriend ‘your Jason’, to make it clear he wasn’t talking about the boyfriend that his sometimes-lover had waiting for him back home who was also named Jason. He never referred to him as ‘Eric’s Jason’. I didn’t know if Kasey would have kids of his own someday, but I could be sure that he would never name his son Jason. Too much difficulty in his life was caused by that name. Coming in a close second would be all versions of the name Eric, as I was about to find out._

_“But… that’s not even my biggest problem right now. Which I guess is pretty clear evidence on how my day has been going.” He glanced at the papers and the look in his eyes was halfway between that he wanted to file them and that he wanted to burn them. I wasn’t sure which would have been worse in the moment._

_“You wanna go get a drink?” I offered. I was going to need one, to hear whatever was about to drive Kasey to arson. Especially if it had anything to do with Eric. I had a hard time holding my tongue when he was upsetting Kasey._

_He went back to organizing his papers for a minute, leaving the question hanging in the air. I didn’t see any flames so I just waited. Finally, he asked, “Isn’t your Jason waiting for you?” He didn’t look up at me._

_“Yeah, but I can tell him that you need to talk. We finished top-ten yesterday, so not too bad. And I’ll just have to listen to him go on about Cup guys in his race. And he’s not wrong, totally, but P1 and P3 are my teammates, and one of my teammates is dating P2, so… wanna go get a drink?” In truth, he wouldn’t complain too much since his finish was just fine, but he had been snippy at me since he didn’t qualify for the Cup race, so I didn’t mind not going home quite yet._

_Kasey nodded, but his look told me he had tuned me out after the first sentence. I was used to that and it didn’t bother me. He didn’t tell me to shut up, which was nicer than most when I got rambling about Jason. But he signed and his tone was flat, “Lemme go talk to Kenny and I’ll meet you at the back lot, okay? We can still get a cab from there, I think.”_

_I agreed and wandered out towards the lot, taking my phone out as I walked. I started to text him, but I would have been mad if he went out and didn’t call to let me know, so I pressed send on the starred contact and waited to wade through the disappointed tone in his voice or deal with the fact that he was still mad at me._

_“Hi!” That wasn’t Jason’s voice but I couldn’t help but smile. I defy anyone not to with that three-year-old little boy. That wasn’t just a father talking, he was a burst of sunlight and happiness. “Hi, Daddy!” He tried again, getting no reply. I was too busy grinning like an idiot to speak at first._

_“Hey, buddy. You’re supposed to be asleep.” I leaned against the fence, trying to remind myself that I really should be a good friend, despite the fact that I knew Jason let Charlie answer the phone so that all I would want to do is go back to the motor coach with them. It worked every time. There was no doubt that Jason could be manipulative, but it wasn’t done in an evil way, so I didn’t really mind it._

_“Nahhh. It’s story time! You’re supposta read me a story!” Charlie had a handful of picture books that he liked to have read to him before bed. Every one of them featured something with an engine. More often than not, I was the one reading to him, but Jason was capable of doing it and he should have by this time. I knew full well why he hadn’t._

_I took in a deep breath, “Can I talk to Daddy, please?”_

_Charlie huffed, but I heard the phone being shuffled around and eventually heard Jason’s voice, “Hey, where are you?” He was trying not to sound annoyed and he almost succeeded. To anyone that didn’t know him as well as I did._

_“I’m going to take Kasey out for a drink. He needs to talk. I’ll be back after that.” I kept my tone even and calm, matching how he wanted his to come across. This didn’t have to be a fight and maybe if I was lucky, it wouldn’t be._

_Jason was quiet for a moment, and then I heard a scoff, “Yeah, rumor has it, he’s got a lot to talk about. You might even get whole sentences outta him.”_

_I stood up straighter. Jason wouldn’t know or care anything about his issues with Eric, so he had to mean something on the track. Nothing had happened during the race, other than a pretty typical spin-out, so he must know something. Occasionally sharing a car with him didn’t usually get him insider information, so this must be a rumor that was going around. “What does that mean? What do you know?”_

_I could hear Jason’s smirk, “If he doesn’t tell you, I’ll tell you when you get home. Good luck with him. Don’t forget not to take him to bed.” He was damn near laughing, so I knew right away there was some serious shit going down in Kasey’s world and Jason was getting a lot of schadenfreude out of it. It was strange to think that they used to be friends while he was getting so much pleasure out of something that was bothering Kasey, but I guess I couldn’t blame him._

_I returned his scoff, “Go read our son bedtime stories and stop being an asshole to me.”_

_“I love you too, James.” Jason laughed, “Get your ass home soon.” He hung up before I could reply, but he was in such a good mood that I didn’t even mind that I didn’t get a chance to return his declaration, which he knew I liked to._

_I wasn’t sure how long Kasey had been standing there, but he was frowning at his phone and paying no attention to my conversation. I watched him for a few minutes, letting my mind run wild with whatever Jason knew about Kasey that I didn’t. I knew he was going to make a stopover next year at a nothing team just so he could ride with the big boys at Hendrick in two years. Unless that had fallen through. I hoped that wasn’t it._

_Kasey glanced up at me, “What?”_

_Startled, I shook my head, “What what?”_

_“You have a weird look on your face. Is he mad?” He gestured to the phone that was still in my hand._

_I shook my head again, “Nah. Are you hungry? We could find somewhere that serves food.”_

_It was Kasey’s turn to shake his head, “Not really. Is it weird if I’d rather just go for a walk and talk? I’m not really in the mood to shout over music and people at a bar.”_

_I did my best not to give him an odd look. We weren’t exactly ‘go for a walk’ kind of people, but it was pretty obvious he wanted some privacy. I couldn’t offer my motor coach and for some reason he wasn’t offering his. So, ‘go for a walk’ it was._

_I nodded and put my phone on vibrate. Knowing the mood Jason was in, dirty texts would start popping up as soon as Charlie fell asleep. “Lead the way.”_

_We walked for a while in silence and it was clear that Kasey didn’t have any destination in mind. Eventually we came upon a bench and he took a seat. The place was pretty much deserted and creepily quiet. Kansas as a whole is creepily quiet, but an empty race track in Kansas is even worse. I wanted to fill the silence, but I patiently waited for Kasey to say something. I wasn’t sure what the topic of conversation was going to be, so I didn’t know what kind of conversation starter to use._

_“Austin has been around the shop a lot lately.” He said, finally. His eyes were fixed on his hands and I could tell he wished he had something to fidget with. Kasey was not a fidgeter at all, which meant this was serious. And I was going to have to decipher it, because he wasn’t going to tell me anything outright._

_Quickly, I went through a mental list of people with that name that might upset Kasey. I came up blank. Did we race anyone with that name? I think he had an Austin on his crew, but that didn’t fit the sentence, so I passed on that one. Finally, I had to admit defeat, “Austin who?”_

_He gave me a side-eye look as if he was checking to see if I was being sarcastic. I kept my face as neutral as possible, with a touch of visible confusion, which wasn’t difficult. “Austin Petty.” His tone suggested that he held back the ‘you idiot’, but just barely._

_I had met him a few times, but they hadn’t been memorable. I couldn’t even tell you why he was around my garage for me to meet. He didn’t really leave a lasting impression. Maybe it was because he was overshadowed by his father, grandfather and late brother, but I had never given it much thought. And at the moment, I couldn’t figure out why him being around would be a bad thing. Last I knew, he ran some charity and he’d never been in a race car. I needed more puzzle pieces._

_“Oh… and… so?”  I prodded._

_Kasey sighed, “With Aric. Almirola.” He paused again, as if that should make it all clear. Of course, it made nothing clear at all, except for when and why I had met Austin before. Aric had taken over my car a couple times when I needed a quick bail out. He wasn’t spectacular, but he was pretty good. The whole ‘he starts, I win, he gets the win’ thing was weird, but I tried not to think about that one. Ever. A guy drives 75% of the race, he should get credit for the win. But I digress._

_“Kase… I’m gonna need some details or something. I have no idea what you’re getting at. I probably should, I know. But I’m kinda slow and it’s kinda late. So maybe… a few more hints?” I tried not to sound annoyed, but I don’t think I succeeded._

_Kasey’s frown deepened and I felt bad. “They’re glad that I’m leaving. I mean everyone around there is. I kinda get the impression that Kenny wouldn’t be going with me if it weren’t for the Hendrick thing, but that’s too good a shop for him to turn down, even if he has to work with me.” He shook his head as if he was admitting that was melodramatic, even for him. “It’s just so damn tense around there and… I feel like everyone knows something that I don’t. And then Austin and Aric start showing up. I’m probably reading too much into it, but…” He sighed heavily and looked over to me. I tried not to look like a deer caught in the headlights._

_I could get what he was implying, but it was too crazy to think about. There were seven races left. No one would release a driver with seven races left, especially one that had Kasey’s talent. Okay so it’d been a few years since he won six in a season, but he had done it and he could again. And he was leaving at the end of the year anyway. It would be crazy to do what he was thinking. But I couldn’t blame him for what he was thinking. If Joe Gibbs’ grandson and his boy started sniffing around my car, I’d be worried too._

_“After the season is over, you’ll be out of there. They won’t do anything with seven races left in the season and I thought Marcos Ambrose was taking over the car next year anyway. Isn’t that what they’re saying? So Aric has nothing to do with anything, he’s probably just looking for tips. I wouldn’t worry about it, if I was you.”_

_Kasey gave me a skeptical look, “If you say so.”_

Of course, I was wrong. Well, I wasn’t completely wrong. They didn’t do anything with seven races left. They let Kasey go with five races left in the season. And Aric did take over the car for those five races. A million articles written about it gave a million different opinions, but what it boiled down to was that no one really understood why they did what they did, least of all Kasey. But considering Aric has driven for Petty since then and was given one of those 40-something Petty family numbers, I tend to believe it had less to do with Kasey and more to do with the Pettys being a really weird gang. It was probably better for Kasey that he got out when he did. Even if he had to race at ‘We’re Trying Really Hard Motorsports’ for the next forty races. And for the record, he never answered the Bill Elliott question and now I don’t want to know.

 The next year wasn’t all that impressive for me either. I scraped by, barely, but no one was talking about me in glowing terms. I got a new crew chief the next season and that was really what I needed. My first season with Darrin was pretty good for me. Just so happens that season was pretty bad for Jason. Braun released him at the end of the previous season and no one was clamoring to sign him. As a personal favor to me, so he told me, Kyle offered Jason one of his trucks. He didn’t want to say yes, but he didn’t have anything else to drive and skipping a whole season was intolerable. He accepted, but it only lasted until August. Whatever Kyle had for me wasn’t strong enough to keep my boyfriend on his payroll if he wasn’t driving well. Jason ran some Nationwide after that, but nothing of note.

I got frustrated with what I saw as Jason’s lack of ambition. Too many times I told him that he could do it if he worked harder. How he kept from punching me in the face, I don’t know. He spent more time in my garage, working on my car with me, than he did working on anything he was driving. I didn’t understand what he was doing at the time and I kick myself for that now. He knew his career was coming to an end and instead of wallowing in that, he wanted to help me. The complete idiot that I am, I tried to push him into his own car rather than just let him help me with mine. I would give anything if I could go back and change how I handled that. But I can’t.

Jason and I started talking about more kids that Christmas. We hadn’t discussed having Charlie because we were in a funky state back then. Though if he had asked my opinion, I would have agreed to it because a mini-Jason was damn near the best idea on the planet. When I pointed that out to him, he turned it back on me. He wanted another boy, with my eyes, he said. I agreed. Not because I wanted a mini-me, but because I wanted to see my kid call Jason ‘Daddy’. 

Jordan told me she was pregnant in April. We had gone the clinical route and it took a while for it to take. I knew she was doing it for the money, but I didn’t care. She agreed to all our terms and she was beautiful. That’s really all I was looking for. She knew she’d be set to do whatever she wanted and wouldn’t have to work again. What more could a former cheerleader want? By that time, Jason’s ex-wife had taken up with another driver. I assumed Jordan would do that eventually. As my ex-girlfriend. I told her that I’d never marry her, no matter what happened with kids. I had a good reason for that.

**_December 24, 2012:_ _Cornelius, NC_ **

_“Is he asleep?” I asked as Jason dropped onto the couch beside me. I was in the middle of attempting to hold wrapping paper with one hand and tape with the other. I wasn’t succeeding, but Charlie wouldn’t notice how the presents were wrapped as he was tearing the paper off._

_He nodded, “Finally. Six books. Six. He never takes five to fall asleep. Five-years-old is old enough to understand why Christmas Eve is a thing. He’s bouncing off the walls because he knows damn well you bought out a whole toy store for him.” He snatched the mug that I had been drinking from and took a long sip. “What is this?”_

_“Baileys and coffee. And whipped cream, but that’s gone.” Finally, having conquered the package I was wrapping, I sat back and leaned into his shoulder, taking my mug back, “I don’t want to hear it, I like it.” I took a defiant drink from the mug. “And I didn’t buy out a whole toy store.”_

_He shrugged, trying to look nonchalant, “Not bad, actually. Kinda sweet, but not bad. Christmasy. And yes, you did, Santa.”_

_I smiled at him, “Ho ho ho.”_

_“You’re such a dork.” He leaned in to kiss me and then smirked, “Tastes better like that. And I had to shut you up before you got too corny.” He took the mug out of my hands, not to drink it, but to get it out of the way. He pulled me into his lap and somehow, I managed to straddle him and not feel completely ridiculous. He kissed me again, sliding his hand into my hair._

_I couldn’t feel ridiculous after that, I couldn’t think at all. I damn near melted into him, full out romantic movie style. “I love you.”_

_“I love you so damn much. You get that, don’t you?” He asked, sliding his arms around me, “You get that I look at you and I don’t want any other person?”_

_I smiled, “Yeah, I get that.” I curled into him and I didn’t care how chickish that made me. He didn’t get dopey like this too often, and sure as hell not lately, so I was going to take full advantage of every minute of it. “You can keep saying it though.”_

_“I plan to. The rest of your life.” He let those words hang in the air for a long moment, and despite the fact I couldn’t see his face, I could feel the growing smirk._

_I picked my head up and looked at him, “Jason?”_

_He was smirking fiercely, but I could see a smile in his eyes that betrayed the cocky look he was going for, “Yeah, you heard me. The rest of your life. I wanna marry you, James. I’ll make an honest man outta you. The kid won’t technically be a bastard then, born to married parents.”_

_I was blinking and staring, but I wasn’t speaking yet. We had gone from me wondering when he was going to get sick of me and leave to him telling me he wanted to marry me. My brain couldn’t process things that fast. Sure, I’d been living with him for years, but I hadn’t expected it to go further than that. I would never have guessed those words were even in his vocabulary, never mind hearing him say them aloud._

_“Well?” He was giving me a curious look, as if the idea that I could turn him down was just then crossing his mind and he didn’t like it._

_I nodded, quickly, before those thoughts could take hold, “Yes. Hell yes. If only just to keep you from ever calling our baby a bastard.” I grinned and leaned up to kiss him as deeply as I could, making sure he could feel every ounce of the love that was flowing through my whole body at the thought of actually being allowed to marry this man._

_Jason actually sighed, happily. It was a sound I’d never heard from him and I will never forget it. But as soon as it happened, he started smirking again, “So I was thinking about New Year’s Eve, start 2013 off right. We’ve got a lotta places we could go to do it, but North Carolina has its head too far up its ass about people like us.”_

_We never got political, but it was hard when the voters in your own adopted home state decided that you were less than a person. Plenty of other states had signed laws to make it legal, but not North Carolina. They had just signed a law saying exactly the opposite. Virginia was no better. California was constantly changing its mind about the thing. The last I think I knew, they weren’t doing it. I really only half listened because I never thought it would matter to me._

_“I don’t care where as long as you and Charlie are there.” I kissed him again and pulled back suddenly, “You’re my fiancé. You want to marry me.”_

_“I’m going to marry you,” He corrected firmly, “But right now, I’m gonna take you to bed. Get some honeymoon practice in.” He pushed me down to the couch and moved over me, seeking out my mouth._

We had a hard time finding a place that we wanted to get married. Every place we tested at that winter had a ban on our marriage, which explains pretty well why no driver is going to come out any time soon. We ended up picking a nowhere town in New York which was freezing cold in January. We were only there for three days, but my Southern California born husband whined about the cold the whole time. Charlie, on the other hand, loved the snow. And we both loved torturing Jason with it. I took a lot of pictures those three days and sometimes those pictures are all that gets me through a day.  

I was supposed to be in Daytona the day Jordan went into labor. I knew she was due soon, so I cut the testing trip short so I could be there. Jason had decided he wasn’t going to be running NASCAR that season, so he went to test with me. He was looking into sprint cars, but he didn’t have anything set in stone yet. I wanted him on my circuit, but I saw the lack of offers that came in so it was hard to argue with him trying to find a job anywhere that would take him.  Kasey had owned a sprint car team for years, but Jason wouldn’t drive for him and Kasey didn’t offer. Jason had been using Kasey’s trainer and training facilities for a little while, but that was as far as their friendship went now. It was better than it had been and I was grateful for that.

Putting our daughter in Jason’s arms was the best moment of my life. They both couldn’t take their eyes off each other. I picked out her name months before but looking at her in that moment, I changed my mind. I wouldn’t have ever bought into that ‘I need to see the kid’ thing, but it was true. I looked at her and she just looked like a Taylor. I had fully intended to give her ‘Leffler’ as her middle name, but as I was filling out the form, Jason took the pen out of my hands and wrote ‘James’ in the middle name spot. I had never considered it, but the minute he wrote it, I loved it. Our daughter, he was saying.

It’s hard to categorize that next season except to point out how many highs and lows it had. Jason and I were a family. He told me he loved me as often as he told the kids and for someone like him, that meant a lot, since he was never too free with the emotions. But not everything was as smooth as that. Jason and I also started arguing more. Not over anything major, but little everyday arguments that didn’t mean anything. Dishes left on the table or clothes on the floor, who gets up for the crying baby or what TV show would we watch. Things that, looking back on them now, I would happily let him get his way with, if I had the option now. But at the time, I thought it was important to stand my ground with him. We were married, we had a family, he wasn’t going to leave me, which meant to me that I could try to get my way without repercussions. I’m not proud of that now, but it seemed so important then. Especially when it came to my health and my career.

**_March 24, 2013:_ _Fontana, CA_ **

_“That fucking asshole could have killed you!” Jason’s angry voice was not only echoing off the walls but inside my head too. He had been yelling ever since I was released to my own room in the hospital. I guess even he didn’t want to sound like a raving lunatic in the very public Emergency Room. He saved that all for me. I groaned, but I couldn’t turn away, I couldn’t move much at all. The doctors had talked to me earlier, I think, but I was so drugged, I didn’t have a clue what they said or what I said, except for the fact that I told them my husband could sign for me, which he did. Note to self, never talk to press while drugged._

_“Jase?” I asked, carefully. I knew full well that when he was in a ranting mood, it could be turned on me if I didn’t let him get it out properly. Normally, I would just let him rant and get through it, especially if I wasn’t the one he was mad at. But I felt fuzzy and floaty, so I was willing to take the risk today, “Uh, can I ask you something?”_

_He paused and turned to look at me, almost as if he forgot I was in the room, despite the fact he had been ranting at me for a while now. “What?”_

_“What happened?” I blinked a few times, trying to follow his pacing across the room, but it made me dizzy, so I closed my eyes instead. “I remember the race, for the most part. It was late, I passed both Busches, Joey was ahead of me. I think I passed him too, didn’t I? What happened after that?”_

_Jason stared at me. I couldn’t see it, but I could feel it. “You don’t remember?” His tone was incredulous. I felt him put a hand on my forehead. I wasn’t sure what the point of that was, and I bet he didn’t either, but it seemed like a sound medical thing to do. I didn’t have a fever though and I didn’t think he could sense partial memory loss through touch._

_“Not really. It’s fuzzy. Joey and I were racing for the win in the last few laps. I remember thinking that he’s gonna get me back for Bristol, because he said he would. When he was screaming at me in the garage that day, he said I would get what was coming to me. So I guess he spun me, right?” I opened my eyes to see Jason barely containing his rage enough to speak._

_“Yeah, he fucking spun you. You were about to beat him and he drove you into the outside wall. You spun until you crashed head-first into the inside wall, hard. You don’t remember that?” He sat in the chair beside my bed, pulling it as close as he could. “You scared the crap outta me. You climbed out of your car and then dropped to the ground like a fucking sack of potatoes. You just dropped and lay there on the track. And they wouldn’t let me down there. Darrin stopped me. They medevaced you to the hospital, they couldn’t stop me from going with you, I’m your fucking next of kin. You’ve been here ever since. They said you have a… hang on.” He grabbed a piece of paper from the bedside table, “A massive L1 compression fracture, which they explained means you fucking collapsed one of your vertebra—which is your fucking backbone, the thing protecting your fucking spine! You need those fucking things to stand and walk and shit. So, you’re gonna be strapped up for a little while, and you’re doing a lot of laying in bed for a few months. And there’s no getting outta it.”_

_I sighed. Well, that explained why I was feeling no pain, I’m sure they had me on some heavy-duty painkillers. Which meant when they wore off, I would be in some heavy-duty pain. Great. “How long?” I asked. I knew that Jason would know exactly what I meant._

_He scoffed, “A while. I don’t care and you don’t care either. You’re gonna heal up right and not do anything stupid like driving when you’re still in pain.” He grabbed my hand and for the first time I noticed that he was shaking a little, “Forget racing. You need to heal so you can chase our kids around and so I can fuck you through our mattress again. Just think about that, okay? Promise me, James.”_

_I gave him a little smile, “Okay. I promise.”_

But of course, I tried to come back as soon as I possibly could. We argued about that constantly. The doctor said six weeks, but I felt great after four and I was ready to drive. I was risking my health, but racing was so important to me back then. I thought I was doing the right thing. Five races after I got hurt, I thought I could do it. I wouldn’t even run the whole race, just part of it, before giving the car over to Brian. Talladega probably wasn’t the smartest place to try that, but I did it anyway and it went off fine, if you called getting caught up in the big one and finishing 34rd fine. And if you don’t count the massive amount of pain I spent the night in. Jason didn’t need to say ‘I told you so’, it was all over his face. He took care of me anyway though.

During the week, Jason spent most of his work hours on his new sprint car. (That’s small-s, dirt tracks, not big-S, national races.)  That was his thing now. He had been a champion in one more than twenty years ago, but I couldn’t shake the fact that I thought of them as something to do in a driver’s spare time, like Kasey did. Kasey owned a team and he hung out around there when he wasn’t working on his real car and his serious racing. Jason took it seriously, like it was real racing. I tried to do the same, but it was difficult. It seemed like go karts, like something Charlie could be doing in a few years, not something that professional driver should be doing. I was wrong, I know that now, but it’s what I thought back then. I tried not to let Jason know how I felt, but I’m sure I failed. Still, I went to his races, I helped him with his car like he helped me with mine. I tried to take it seriously.

That year, he had a schedule of almost 60 races planned and he was excited about it. He loved dirt track racing, it was where he was successful. I couldn’t blame him for that and I liked seeing him do well at something. I flew out to see as many of his races as I could when they were mid-week and Charlie and Taylor split their time between going to tracks with me and going to tracks with him. Jason was finishing top-ten and even a top-five at one point, I couldn’t argue with the fact that success was cheering him up. That helped me take his races as serious as I should have, but I still wanted him racing with me, with people our age, in real cars. He deserved that, he had put in his time, he earned it. I told him that one too many times.

**_June 9, 2013:_ _Poccono_ **

_Qualifying had been rained out and that sat me starting in 17 th with a car that could have started a lot higher if I had been given a chance to test it. I was finally feeling great, back-wise, and was ready to go. Both Kyle and Kasey were starting ahead of me, Jason was second to last. But Jason wasn’t planning to actually race this race. Even the guy that was starting dead last planned to do some racing, but not Jason. He had orders to do a few laps and park his car. No racing whatsoever. _

_“Why would you let them do that to you?” I demanded, standing in the garage before the race began._

_He just looked at me, “You think I get a choice? You think they come up to me and ask if I want to compete and I say ‘nah I think I’d rather start and park’?! You think I would do that?” He didn’t raise his voice, which should have been the first sign that I had hit a nerve. Jason and I yelled at each other and got past it easily. The real arguments came when no one was yelling._

_But I didn’t let that stop me, “Then why let them?”_

_“I know you’re used to getting everything you want, but that’s not how the real world works. The team needs the money and I drive what I can, that’s all I can do. Look, I enjoy my dirt track racing, I like sprint cars. I can win there. Here? I’m not making any standings lists.” Looking back on it, I should have heard how broken his voice sounded that day, but I wasn’t listening to him, I was too full of myself._

_“Look, I’m not top ten or anything, I might not even make the Chase, but that doesn’t stop me from trying my hardest. I—“_

_He cut me off, “Not top ten?! Who fucking cares? You think that’s what this is about?! Really, James?” Jason doesn’t cry. I’ve never seen him cry, but looking back on that day, I wonder if I was ignoring tears in his eyes because I didn’t want to deal with what that meant._

_“You could still race. Kasey doesn’t--” I regretted the words as soon as they came out of my mouth, but I had a bad habit of speaking first and thinking second. I still do, but I’m getting better. Slightly._

_“I don’t want to hear about your damn whore, okay?” He snapped, his voice full of venom. It was true that I had slept with Kasey while I was with Jason, but that ended years ago. Kasey and I were just friends now, Jason was the only person I was with. But his voice was full of anger from all the years where that wasn’t true._

_Kasey and Jason had been friends for years, but I got in the middle of that. Had I never come along, I wonder if they could have found their way to each other, they had been pretty close in the past. But I had come along, and that friendship was over, even if Great Clips would never know it. But they were better than they had been and that was saying a lot. Jason hated Kasey, and I was to blame for that. But I hadn’t been with Kasey in that way for years and I didn’t deserve the tone Jason was directing at me._

_I stepped back at the tone, but didn’t have the sense to back down verbally, “He’s not a whore and he’s not mine and at least he’s going to try to race!”_

_Jason’s whole body tensed and for a split second, I wondered if he was going to punch me. But he’d never lay a hand on me in anger and I knew that. Instead, he brushed past me and slammed the door behind him._

_That was the last time I spoke to him._

I finished top-ten that race. Jason wasn’t in the motorcoach when I got back. Julianna had been watching Charlie and Taylor, as she usually did when we were both racing, either at the same track or two different ones. She was Jason’s girlfriend, on the record, but she was the closest thing to a mother than our kids had. I didn’t want to call her a nanny or babysitter, she was more than that. She took care of all of us and I don’t think I ever really appreciated what she did for us back then. I didn’t appreciate anything back then.

We went back to North Carolina, but Jason left for New Jersey right from the track. That hadn’t been the plan, but clearly, he needed space from me. I can’t blame him for that. I had been planning to go to that race, but I decided not to. If he wanted space, I’d give him space. He’d get over it, I told myself. It was better to let him blow off steam and talk about it later when we both had level heads. I had gone too far, but I would tell him that once he had blown off the anger. I put all my attention on the kids and tried not to think about him. Julianna offered to take the kids to watch him, but I decided to keep them with me. That’s the only thing I’m grateful for that week. I’m glad that image of what happened isn’t in Charlie’s head.

The call came after I had put the kids to bed. I don’t remember the name of the person that spoke, but I remember every word he said. He danced around the facts for a while, explaining the crash, talking about the injuries. I had to cut him off, I had to make him tell me. Jason was dead. I was listed as his next-of-kin contact and could I tell his family before it hit the press. I didn’t cry. I didn’t speak for a long time. He told me he was sorry. I think I thanked him. I said I would call people and that I would come there. He told me there was no need to do that. They would bring Jason home. I insisted that I would come there, I would be the one that brought him home. He gave me the name of the hospital and hung up soon after. That’s when I cried. I lay on the couch and cried until I fell asleep.

Everything happened in a blur after that. Taylor was too young to understand, but I had to explain it to Charlie more than once. It didn’t seem real to either of us. I had seen Jason’s body in the morgue, but I wouldn’t let Charlie see him. He asked me over and over, but I just pulled out our photo albums and told him that was how he should see him in his head. We cried together a lot. I slept on the couch and most nights, he slept with me. Taylor clung to me when she could and cried when we cried, even if she didn’t understand why any of us were crying.

**_June 16, 2013:_ _Michigan_ **

_I didn’t want to race that weekend, but our five-and-a-half-year-old son asked me to. I thought Charlie would be nervous to see me drive, but it was exactly the opposite. That’s what his dad would have wanted me to do, he told me. I had to drive for myself and for Dad, he told me. I only cried about that where he couldn’t see me._

_He came up with the idea to paint the car with the scheme from when Jason had driven it. He had at least a dozen models of that car that he played with and he knew that scheme backwards and forwards. I loved the idea and made it happen through my bosses, but I wasn’t ready to actually look at the car with that paint and his name over the door. I broke down completely. I had never cried in the garage, but I did that day and I didn’t care who saw me._

_“I’m sorry to interrupt.”_

_Of all the people in all the world I would had expected to walk into my garage that day, he was the last one I would have thought would have spoken to me. Chase Elliott and I had never really gotten along. He had been crushing on Kasey for as long as I’d known him, and I didn’t handle the situation with Kasey very well. Chase knew more about that than he probably should have and let me know that hadn’t handled it correctly. Usually he just gave me dirty looks and avoided me, but today he was standing in my garage watching me cry over my car._

_I wiped my eyes and turned to look at him, but I didn’t speak. I didn’t want to hear someone else tell me how sorry they were or what a great dad Jason was. I couldn’t handle hearing that again when his daughter would never really understand it and his son would always miss it._

_“Yeah, I…” Chase wrung his hands and looked anywhere but at my red-rimmed eyes. He looked around and finally settled his eyes on my car, “I just wanted to….” He took a deep breath, “I was five when my papa died.”_

_I did a double-take at that. Everyone knew, and Dale Junior openly called him his brother, but I had never really thought about what that meant for the teenager standing in front of me. I looked at him, but still I didn’t speak. I didn’t know what to say._

_He seemed to understand that, “I was there. I saw it. So, um… if you need… If I can… uh, help…” He was mumbling and talking to my car instead of me, but at once I understood how hard it was for him to say. I can’t describe the grateful feeling that came over me. Of all the condolences I received in those days, this one meant the most and he hadn’t even told me he was sorry about what happened._

_“Thank you. Do you…. Do you still remember him?” I hadn’t meant to ask, but the words jumped out. I needed to hear the answer I wanted to hear and I hoped he knew that._

_He didn’t pause to think, “Oh yeah. I was the baby, he brought me around everywhere. He talked about his cars and pretty much everything. When I say that my dad got me into racing and the love of it and all that, I mean him. I remember… oh yeah, I even remember driving tips he told me, like I’ll be driving and I’ll just do something and I’ll remember that he told me about that when I was like five.”_

_I started crying the minute he started talking. I didn’t turn away from him though, I watched his face while he talked, which only made me cry all the more. He was smiling, he was remembering scenes from when he was a five-year-old and they made him smile. I needed to know that was possible. I needed to know that Charlie would do that when he was a teenager, standing exactly where Chase was. I think that moment, seeing the look on his face, kept me going more than nearly anything else._

_I wiped my tears and Chase kept talking, “I had my brother afterwards. I mean I had my whole family, too, but Dale and me… he made sure I remembered everything. We used to sit up and talk about all the things I could remember, to make sure I’d never forget them. I know Charlie doesn’t have a brother, but… well, I get where he is… and if he needs someone to talk to….” He shrugged and I could see tears pricking at the corners of his eyes though he was fighting them._

_“Thank you.” It was the first time I had said that in the past few days and really meant it. I couldn’t have meant it more. “Thank you, Chase. Any time you want to talk to him…. I think that would help. Any time. He’ll be at the race today…” I didn’t know what Chase would say to him, but anything that might help, I would never be able to repay._

_He nodded, “I’ll talk to him. Just let him know… y’know.” He sighed, “Maybe just sit and play cars with him. I mean that’s what Dale usta do for me and I think that’s when we talked. I was crazy about those cars. Does he have a whole bunch of 11s?”_

_I laughed a little, which felt weird and guiltily good. “Yeah, one of every paint scheme that Jason or I ever had that they made. And some that we had made. His baby sister just tries to chew on them, so I think he’d like someone that knows how to play right.”  I gave him as much of a smile as I could manage, which I hoped looked at grateful as I felt. “Thank you.”_

_He nodded, giving me a small, understanding smile. I had talked to Dale briefly about it, but he was an adult when he lost his father. He didn’t understand it from my point of view and he was too old to think of it from Charlie’s. The thought hadn’t crossed my mind before that moment to talk to Bill Elliott, but I doubted I would ever do that. It wasn’t a conversation I could just bring up with a stranger. I didn’t know if he still cried over it, but I knew I didn’t want to cry in front of him. I always got the impression he didn’t approve of that kind of thing._

_He glanced at the car and I watched his eyes linger over Jason’s name. “Good luck in the race. I’ll do what I can for Charlie. I hope it helps.”_

_I nodded, “I know it will.” And that was the truth._

Charlie never told me about what he and Chase talked about, but I know they talked often during races and later Charlie asked me to help him put Chase’s phone number into his phone. As the years went on, Chase liked me less and less, but he always stuck by Charlie whenever he needed him. No matter what I think about other things that happened, if I could have picked a big brother for Charlie, I couldn’t have picked anyone better to help him through everything he was going through.

That race was one of my worst. Before the race, I wore the biggest pair of dark glasses that I could find. My eyes were bright red and that didn’t need to be on TV. The grid walk was miserable. I couldn’t watch the video tribute, I closed my eyes behind those shades, because I knew they’d be filming me watching but I couldn’t handle seeing his smile right then. His name was everywhere. People that hadn’t given him the time of day while he was alive were openly morning him now. Part of me wanted to yell at them for not helping him when he was looking for a ride and part of me was glad that they cared at all. Kasey had hats with Jason’s logo made and his whole team was wearing them. He left a few in my motor coach for me and Charlie and Taylor. We all wore them for pre-race. Few things mean as much to me as that hat does.

During the race, every so often, my vision would get blurry and the best I could do was blink the tears away until I could see at all. Most of the time, I was driving by feel and spotter, which wasn’t any good way to drive. But the worst part of the day was seeing Kasey’s car slam into the wall and catch on fire. I don’t know or care how many spots I lost while I waited for confirmation that he was okay. I didn’t care about racing, I needed to know I hadn’t lost him too. I couldn’t see him get out of the car under his own power, but I was told quickly that he did. He was fine. I was a disaster. I finished that race a lap down and near the bottom and I couldn’t have possibly cared less, except that I would have liked to see Jason’s paint scheme in Victory Lane. But, honestly, I was glad that I could just escape after the race, I didn’t want to cry on camera and I’m sure my eyes were red. I couldn’t bring myself to care about my finish, I just wanted to be with my kids.

We had the funeral and burial privately. I didn’t want a media circus around our mourning. I wanted to send Jason off as a family, in private. I wanted to cry and let my children cry, and not have anyone take their pictures or even look at them. I wanted a time for his family and his close friends to say goodbye however they wanted to say it. I wanted to tell him how much I love him out loud and not make a headline. The casket was closed because I still didn’t want Charlie to remember him that way. We brought our pictures with us and he spent the whole funeral showing Taylor pictures and telling her stories. I spent the whole time with tears in my eyes.

The public funeral was awful. He had already been buried by then so there wasn’t a casket. We had as many pictures as we could safely use, those with him and Charlie mostly. It was a show. There were too many strangers there and people who didn’t really know Jason. They talked about what a good father he was like it was a surprise. They talked about how he died doing what he loved and how that’s how he would have wanted to go. That kind of thing always bothered me. In a sense, he would have wanted go out that way, but of course, he didn’t want to go anywhere. They talked about how hard he raced, how many different series he raced in. They were trying to spin it as positive as they could, but I couldn’t help but hear that they were point out he could stick in any one series. I couldn’t help but remember how we argued over that. I couldn’t help but remember that my last words to him weren’t how much I love him, but how disappointed I was in him. I would always regret that. I didn’t speak during that spectacle. They asked me to, but I refused.

The rest of the season went on. I didn’t cry during every race, but I wasn’t doing anything noteworthy in that car. I tried to care, but it was almost impossible to feel anything. Driving didn’t matter, tuning up my car didn’t matter. I ignored questions from my radio more than I responded to them. I got caught up in wrecks and caused a few of my own. It was sixteen races before I finished top ten and that was only barely. I was so far down in the standings, they weren’t bothering to interview me. I didn’t matter and I didn’t care. I wasn’t making the Chase and I wouldn’t have cared if I was.

Joey apologized to me at Richmond. By then, I was out of the Chase and he was in it. I don’t know if it was because he didn’t want me to wreck him and take him out of contention or if he was feeling bad for what I was going through, but I did know that his apology wasn’t out of actually being sorry for spinning me and breaking my back. I honestly don’t remember what I said to him, but it didn’t matter. We wouldn’t be friends again, that closeness was over now. Like so many things in my life, it is a regret that I still hold. Not losing Joey as a friend, but spinning him in the first place. I just can’t be bothered with the rivalry thing anymore, life is too short to hold onto that kind of anger.

After Jason died, Allison took custody of Charlie. I had never formally adopted him and neither had Julianna. Neither of us had any legal standing to object. I tried, I hired a lawyer, but he told me that there was no chance that I could even attempt custody without publishing my marriage license. I knew Jason wouldn’t want that and I know I didn’t. I just did have the strength to wage that war with the press right then. I told Charlie I loved him every chance I got, but I couldn’t stop Allison from moving him into her house. She allowed me to take him when I was in town, though, and she didn’t move out of North Carolina, so I couldn’t complain too badly about the arrangement. Both Charlie and Taylor complained, though.

**_November 18, 2013:_ _Cornelius, NC_ **

_I didn’t bring the trophy with me. I thought about it, but it didn’t feel right. They’re always ugly and obnoxious and heavy as all hell. But that wasn’t why I didn’t bring it. I think it would have been intruding. It had a presence, an aura or something, and I didn’t want that interfering with what I was there to do. And maybe I felt like it was rubbing it in his face, so to speak. Though I don’t think he would have seen it that way. Or maybe he would have. It was always hard to gage his response to my successes._

_The grass had been mowed recently and there were fresh flowers. Julianna always brought flowers, even if I tried to tell her that he would have rolled his eyes so hard at that. He was a damn racecar driver, he didn’t want flowers. But things like that were for the living, not for the dead. And that’s what he was. Dead. Months had passed and still, when I remembered the word, it felt like a stab in the heart all over again. I wondered if it would ever stop. I doubted it._

_I sat down on the grass, my back up against the stone. It felt cold right through my jacket, nothing like when I would lean up against him like this. I wanted to imagine his arms around me, but it was getting harder and harder to do. “It’s been five months,” I said aloud, “And I still haven’t passed a day without thinking about you.” I could feel the tears already pricking at my eyes, but I ignored them._

_“I won today, but I’m sure you know that. Last race of the season, but I got one. I—” My voice wavered and I cleared my throat. I didn’t know why I had to talk aloud, but I knew I did. I took a deep breath and kept going through the tears, “I’m glad this season is over. I don’t think I’ve ever had a worse one. I thought when I got hurt, that would make it a bad season, but then we started fighting about…. Pretty much everything. Jase, I’d do anything if I could take it all back. You know that, right? I’d start and park the rest of my career if I could take it all back. You know I wonder… were you driving angry that day? Because of me? I know I make stupid mistakes when I’m distracted, I’ve made enough of them these five months. Did I distract you? Is this my fault? God, why couldn’t it have been me instead?”_

_I stopped talking and kept crying. I turned over and laid out in the grass, just letting myself cry. I’d tried to hold it in for so long to get through the season, but now it was all coming out. Every bit of it, I was holding back nothing. I didn’t make a sound, but my whole body shook with the pure emotion of devastation. I don’t know how long I laid there and cried, but it was a while. I was drained, physically and emotionally, but still I laid there. It actually felt good to let it all out for once._

_The burst of music from my phone scared the shit out of me and I squeaked aloud before grabbing for my pocket. Through the tears, I found myself laughing, thinking about how Jason would have mocked me for that. He always did. I quickly silenced my ringtone and looked at the caller ID. It was Allison’s phone number, which could only mean one person. I took a deep breath and tried not to sound like I’d been sobbing into the grass for an hour._

_“Hey, buddy.”_

_I was treated to the smuggest six-year-old sigh that could have only come from Jason’s son. “Mommy said we couldn’t go, but I knew you’d go. I told her so, but she said you wouldn’t. She said people didn’t do that when they winned races, but I knew it though.”_

_I sat up. I couldn’t help the smile at the sound of his voice, “I’d go where?” I asked._

_“To see Daddy.” His tone was so matter-of-fact that I couldn’t speak for a few seconds._

_I glanced up at the sky, giving Jason the same look I always gave him when his Mini-Me showed off exactly how he’d earned that nickname. “How did you know I went to see Daddy?”_

_He scoffed, “You have a sad voice. But I knew ‘cause you winned and you just woulda. I’m gonna tell Mommy I was right. Miss Julianna woulda took me, but Mommy said no.”_

_I cleared my throat in a vain attempt to hide the new set of tears that had begun at listening to him. I had made Jason promise that he wouldn’t name his son after himself, but hearing him now, I probably shouldn’t have. “You were right, buddy. I went to see Daddy. I’m going to come get you in a little while. You can help me find a good spot for the silly trophy they gave me.”_

_The squeak that came through the phone reminded me that he wasn’t just Jason’s kid. “I’m ready! I’m all ready! And I packed all my cars and everything and some clothes too! I’m gonna stay in your house for a long time, months long! And that trophy was dumb, it had a tree on it! Who wants a trophy with a tree?! But it was so good you winned. I wish I coulda gone to Victory Lane with you, but mostly everyone was ignoring you ‘cause dumb Jimmie Johnson winned the other stuff. But so what? You winned the race and people shoulda been putting you on TV more! Are you coming soon? Are you gonna get my sister too?”_

_I couldn’t help but laugh. Jason hadn’t been too much of a talker, but somehow that gene had not been passed down onto our son. It was as if somehow, he’d inherited my ability to forget to stop talking when ideas pop into my head. I loved listening to him when he got like that, when he sounded like every other six-year-old, rather than one whose life had been flipped upside down. I pushed myself up to stand and brushed the grass off my jeans, “I’m going to head your way right now. I’ll pick up Taylor after I get you. We’re going to have a great time together this winter.”_

_“Duh, Dad, we always do. I know a lotta good stuff we can do like my racecar track and stuff like that. I’m gonna teach her how to drive cars good ‘cause she’s real little still. But…” He paused and then decided to go on with his question, speaking a little softer now, “Can we go see Daddy, just me and you?” His tone was cautious, the sound of a kid who thought he already knew the answer to the question and he wasn’t going to like it. I was determined not to give him the same answer his mother always did._

_“Yeah, we can go see Daddy together. But just for a little while. You know Daddy would like us doing fun stuff most of the time, right? All three of us.” I was fighting my tears and losing, but I wasn’t about to hang up if he needed to talk to me._

_“Uh huh, I know. I’m gonna sit over at the window, so I can see when you come here. It would be so funny if you could drive the 11 here, huh!” He giggled at his own joke._

_“That would be funny. But I’ll be in my regular car today. We can check out the shop before everything is closed down for the off season though. You make sure you have everything and I’ll be there soon. Okay?” I was lingering by the gravestone, not quite ready to leave._

_“Okay! Hurry!” He pleaded. I could see the look on his face so clearly, his big grin and bright eyes. We talked on the phone almost every day, but it had been too long since I’d been able to spend time with him longer than a few hours mid-week. This off season was just what we both needed._

_“I’m hurrying. I love you, Charlie. I’ll be there soon.” I almost said ‘we’, but I caught myself. Just after it happened I had to catch myself a lot, but as time went on, I found myself doing it less and less. The thought was another stabbing pain and a new set of pinpricks in the corners of my eyes._

_“Love you, Dad. Drive safe!” And he hung up. He always ended his calls the same way, and it always broke my heart a little. I slid my phone in my pocket and turned back to the headstone._

_“We’ll be back soon, but don’t worry. I won’t let him sit around and be sad. We’ll do everything that the four of us would have done. I love you, Jason. I always will. And I’ll take care of our kids for us, I promise.” I traced my fingers over the letters in his name, my husband’s name, on the headstone before I turned and walked back to my car, wiping away a few stray tears._

Of everything I’ve ever said to anyone, that’s the promise I’ve always kept. Charlie and Taylor are the most important people in my life, they are my life. Racing had always been so important to me, but after I lost Jason, I found that it just wasn’t important anymore. I found myself looking back at all the times that I could have made it easier on Jason with the struggles he was having finding a ride, but I didn’t. The regret kept me up at night. I tried to never let my kids see me cry, but I knew that Charlie could tell when I had been.

I spent every waking moment I could with them that winter. I tried to make life as normal as possible, but it was hard to fake it some days. The days when it was just too hard to get out of bed, Charlie would crawl in with me and ask me to tell him stories about his father, which I would do. I had a feeling that was something Chase had taught him to do and I made a mental note to thank him someday.

As the season drew closer, Charlie pushed me into getting back to work. He wanted to help me get my car ready and truth be told, it was just the distraction we needed. There wasn’t anything Charlie didn’t know about that car, I don’t think there was a six-year-old that knew more about race car engineering than that kid. He loved every second of it. I had started racing go-karts at seven, so I promised Charlie that next year he could start too. I just wasn’t ready to start him on that without Jason, yet. I didn’t think I could handle it quite yet. For his part, Charlie was happy to work on my car with me instead. He taught Taylor as much as he could, despite the fact that I doubt she understood. She listened to him though.

While I was watching Charlie patiently explain to his almost one-year-old sister what a track bar did, I made the decision that I had to either give my full effort into this upcoming season or leave the sport. It wasn’t fair to anyone to half-ass everything like I had been doing since June. There were a lot of drivers that would have given anything to have my ride and my garage and the chances I did. Jason would have loved to have the chances I did and I had no right to squander them. With Taylor on my hip and Charlie by my side, I prepared for the season in the best way I knew how to do. Of course, things never work out the way I plan them.

**Author's Note:**

> Part one, of two.


End file.
